Monte Carlo - Places and Poker - High Stakes
Monte Carlo
Can you find Monte Carlo on a map? Not the one in Las Vegas, the other one, the glamour one, the one in Monaco, a tiny little countryette tucked between Italy, France and the Mediterranean Sea. Yeah, I couldn't find it either. Not till I went there, but now that I've been there I can't wait to go back.
And if you ever go there, you'll want to know how to do it up right, Antonio-style. You won't need to bring your "Bond, James Bond" tuxedo, but it wouldn't hurt, especially if you're on the lookout for your own personal Pussy Galore.
First though, a little history, just 'cuz it's so cool.
Technically, Monte Carlo is a district, not a city. There are no cities in Monaco except Monaco, a principality since 1297 when Francois Grimaldi grabbed the fortress of Monaco from a rival Italian faction and set up shop in the name of the Pope. (Note to self: If you want to start a country with almost no land, natural resources or population, it helps to have the Pope on your side.)
Fast forward to 1863, when the Grimaldi family, still running the show, decided that, hey, what this place really needs is a tourist hangout. So they commissioned the Societe des Bains de Mer (literally "sea bath society") to set up some hotels, a theater and of course the world-famous casino. Good move. To this day, the rubes still run to Monte Carlo try their hand at punto banco and rouge et noir -- naturally leaving large chunks of change behind. And 700 years later, the Grimaldis are still running the show. Talk about job security...
THE CASINO
The casino is actually three casinos, le Casino, Café de Paris and le Sun Casino. To get into any of them, you have to be 18, with I.D. and proper dress. For men that's jacket and tie; for the ladies, well, use your judgment, but if you want to catch James Bond's eye...
Don't get too psyched for the casinos, though, if poker is your game because except for special events, like the European Poker Tour Finals, you won't find a poker game in town. Not to worry. There's plenty else to do.
NIGHT LIFE
Like everything in Monte Carlo, the night spots tend to drift toward the high-class, strip-mine-your-wallet end of the spectrum. Even my favorite nightclub, Jimmy'z Disco, on Rue Princess Grace, charges 27 Euro for a bottle of Bud. At current rates of exchange, that's about, oh, your first born boy.
Over at the Sea Lounge, you can likewise drop a small fortune on such delicacies as chef Jean-Claude Brugels' gastro-tapas -- like the name implies, little Spanish snacky things done up epicure style. Yum! If you're lucky enough to be in town at the right time of year, you can dance into daylight at one of the Sea Lounge's many seasonal parties such as the Pink Party, White Party or Russian Night.
If all those gastro-tapas start to get to you, take the French off at Stars and Bars, an American style sports bar that took an abandoned warehouse near the waterside and turned it into the place to be if you're dying for a hamburger or a harbor view.
HOTELS
There are lots of hotels in Monaco, including half a dozen hard by the casino. Rates typically start at 120 Euro (about six beers at Jimmy'z) and jump all the way up to, well, how much ya got? For example, an apartment at the Hotel Hermitage will set you back a cool 7000 Euro. Hey, but don't worry, you might get lucky at punto banco and win it all back.
More reasonable (which is to say by Monte Carlo less unreasonable) places to stay include the Hotel Mirabeau, where you can score a sea view room for the "bargain" rate of around 300 Euro, and the Monte Carlo Beach Hotel. And be on the lookout for the Monte Carlo Bay Resort, a retro-thirties mega resort opening soon.
My personal favorite is the Hotel de Paris, where they treat you like a Grimaldi prince. Apart from being a world-class hotel, it's a top resort in every sense, with five-star restaurants, a mythical wine cellar and one of the planet's great spas, the Thermes Marins, a day at which will make you weep with gratitude for having been born.
THINGS TO DO IN THE PLACE TO BE
If you find yourself at Monte Carlo in Monaco, chances are you'll be there for some poker event or another, and chances are you'll go through your whole entire stay without seeing the light of day. Can I give you a hint? Don't let that happen! For such a small place (less than a quarter-mile wide at one point) it has a lot going on. Some of the don't-miss hits...
For some reason -- the specific reason that a certain Prince Albert was nuts for fish a hundred years ago -- Monaco has a spectacular Oceanographic Museum and Aquarium. Even if you think you're no Prince Albert, trust me, you'll be spellbound. A visit to the new Shark Lagoon will take your mind off the sharks you meet at the poker table.
Put on your walking shoes and head for the beautifully preserved medieval Old Town, the likes of which of course you never see on the American side of the pond. You've got gardens, you've got gothic churches, you've got palaces, cafes, shops to explore. You've got some steep steps ahead of you, but, hey, the walk'll do ya good.
The Casino itself is worth a long look around, even if you don't plan on dropping a few (thousand) Euros on the local games of chance. Check out the marble atrium and the 28 onyx columns. I guarantee you've never seen so much onyx in one place. They run tours through the joint, but don't forget that even the tours require proper dress (can't have the riff-raff ogling James Bond you know) so don't forget to pack your tie.
TEN THINGS YOU DIDN'T KNOW ABOUT MONACO
We're just about done with this snapshot of one of Europe's top places to be, but before we close, here's some stunning trivia to fill the random corners of your brain.
- Total area of Monaco: less than one square mile.
- Religion: 92% Roman Catholic. What are the other 2%? Druid?
- Annual Events: International Circus Festival, Formula 1 Grand Prix, International Fireworks Festival.
- Coat of arms: Two monks swinging swords.
- Why monks? Because Francois Grimaldi seized the fortress disguised as one.
- Lingo: Citizens of Monaco are called Monegasques. Princes are referred to as "His Serene Highness."
- Education: The International University of Monaco has one of the top 100 business schools in the world.
- Carnival: The traditional pre-Lent blow out used to be celebrated with fusillades of rotten eggs, fruit and small stones. Glad they got that out of their system.
- Weather: Monaco gets more than 300 sunny days a year. Don't forget your SPF.
- Princess Grace: The former American actress, star of Rear Window now sleeps eternally in the Monaco Cathedral.
And that's Monaco in a nutshell, kids. The sort of place where any American babe can grow up to be a Serene Highness. But that's still not as cool as Bond.
